We all watch movies, don’t we? And some of us watch them more avidly, with more passion than the others. They make a part of who we are, we judge people based on their movie choices- “Oh her? She told me she HATES the Taken series. What a savage!”
And most movies are full of fun medical situations- emergency tracheostomies in restaurants, CPR on the subway, and who can forget the most fun of all; emergencies on an airplane, mid flight. Joy!
But we often forget that the doctors in the movies are played by actors, not real, trained doctors who slaved for 10+ years but still get second opinion-ed to Web MD. So most of us end up thinking that’s what a real doctor does- glamorously jams a pen into someone’s trachea to help them breathe while the patient seems completely calm, like in a narcotic daze.
This is a huuuuge misconception because this is in no way a glamorous profession, the lighting is ALWAYS bad (so you can’t see the soft expression of condescension on our faces like you see in the movies) and why wouldn’t you Heimlich the shit out of someone if they’re choking, instead of randomly jamming things into their trachea?
So I’m going to list everything incorrect you see in the movies and on TV because listicles are my thing now.
- In almost every movie with an emergency procedure scene, the doctor sprinkles his hands with any kind of alcohol available on site.
I mean who wants to spend 10 minutes rigorously trying to grate their skin away so you could be safe? Microorganisms obviously have one weakness and one weakness only- Vodka. Right?
In real life though, any doctor in their right mind would not substitute vodka for scrubbing in. Because they’d drink that vodka instead to try to calm down. Also because most of us approach alcohol in a very unhealthy way.
2. Did I sleep through that one time when the whole world took a CPR workshop and became certified? Because I sure as hell haven’t clocked in on my hours.
Why does every passer-by feel like he needs to perform chest compressions irregardless of what actually that poor guy is suffering with? Right, I almost forgot. Movie logic.
For example,
Teenagers on the street casually sauntering, while random guy panics because he lost his keys.
Teen1- Dude that guy needs our help. He looks so fucking scared!Teen 2- I’m going to start chest compressions while, and you take selfies so everyone knows we’re #dope #savinglives #nofilter #yolo
Random guy- I’m not.. (ouch)… I’m not dying!
Teen 2- I know we need to do CPR to the beat of Stayin’ Alive. Sir you are in good hands.
Random guy- Thanks for breaking a rib man! I’ve always wanted to get rid of that annoying protective piece of bone caging my heart.
No thanks. Keep your untrained hands off me.
3. You can usually predict the time at which a patient is going to die in a movie based on the commotion in the room and the medical personnel dragging crash carts and jamming syringes in a trial and error fashion.
It is normally a couple of minutes after this scene that the monitors hooked to the patient stop beeping, and he flatlines.
That’s about it. Nobody tries to do anything. No reanimation of any sort. Just a couple of sniffs and cries and off he goes! Straight into the hands of that annoying first year med student who can’t hold a fucking scalpel without looking like he’s holding the olympic torch. Or if it’s a deep meaningful movie, the patient is wheeled to the mortuary where the pathologist performs the autopsy half-yawning whilst simultaneously eating his Chinese takeout.
4. ‘I’m going to get you to a hospital, just breathe’
So every guy, who uses his girlfriend as a human body shield when being sprayed with bullets, while driving her to the hospital says “Just breathe, baby. Everything’s going to be just fine”.
The hospital is 100 miles away and she’s bleeding way too much. You want your last words you say to her to be an absolute fucking lie? “You’re going to be okay” when clearly she’s bleeding out to death.
Boyfriend- Just breathe baby.
Girlfriend- (cries out in agony)
Boyfriend- Try to take long, deep breaths okay?
Girlfriend- But I have a tension pneumothorax!
Boyfriend- STFU.
5. Why are all the patients so damn nice to their doctors?
I wear the white coat, I introduce my self as Dr (Followed by name) and the attending calls me out as student doctor well within hearing range of the patient. But the patient still chooses to call me nurse. Or sister (Nurses in India are called sisters). Or even teacher.
So it’s nice to know actors who are paid to be patients are being nice to the actors who are paid to be doctors.
Wouldn’t we all love to go to the medical utopia that is the movies? I know I would.
humerushumorous 